WORST NINJA
“Does being the ’brainy one’ make up for being the ’worst ninja’?”

Donatello shivered as he managed to haul himself -- and his precious satchel -- up onto the ledge. Titian’s jar clinked and scraped against the bricks and a few loose pages of the dictionary he’d brought drifted down into the channel and floated away. Hastily, he pulled Titian’s jar out and examined it in the dim light, but it was undamaged and the bug seemed to be quite happily scuttling through the leaves Don had collected for him.

Phew. Titian was safe. He tucked the dictionary more securely into its pocket and clasped the satchel against his side, but he kept Titian’s jar in his hand. Then he stopped and looked about. He’d been here loads of times before, but never alone. It looked different, somehow. Scarier.

There had been a lot of rain -- the channel was running high and his feet and legs were wet halfway up to his knees. At least his ledge was high out of the water. He’d only get his feet wet again if he pointed his toes. But if it rains again tonight, I guess the water will come under the door and flood the lair again. At least he’d escaped the clean up job if it did.

He could hear the channel lapping and water dripping and running somewhere. It echoed. The sewer tunnel seemed dark and lonely without any of his brothers to share in the adventure… but he guessed he was just going to have to get used to that. He was alone now, and was it was going to be that way for the rest of his life.

He gulped, steeling himself against a desire to cry at that thought… and then had to bite back a yelp as a rat -- more than a foot long WITHOUT its tail -- ran right OVER him. He shuddered. Master Splinter might be a rat, but he was nothing like the sewer rats. Mikey had tried taming some of the ones that had come through the lair, but even he had been discouraged by the bites. Don would rather stick to bugs. He didn’t mind cockroaches and things the way Mikey did… but rats? The bites had been nasty jagged things that had bled for ever so long, and then one of them had gotten infected and Master Splinter had had to lance Mikey‘s hand so that the pus could drain out… then the thought hit him that he was never going to see Master Splinter again.

He wondered how he’d react when he came home and found him gone. Would he miss him? Would he start a search? He probably will be relieved. He’ll have got rid of a problem -- the worst ninja, the one who doesn’t LIKE ninjutsu and he’ll still have the strongest, the fastest and the best ones left. The Clan will do just fine without me.

But will I do just fine without the Clan? He didn’t have any bandages or anything with him, what if he got bitten? And Mikey had got bitten on the FACE once and Master Splinter had said it was because Mikey hadn’t cleaned his teeth and the rat could smell the food… and he hadn’t thought to pack any rags to clean his teeth with.

He needed to stop and think; to plan. He pulled his body into a shadowed section, where he’d be hidden from anyone looking… but where he could look up through the grating at the night sky and the moon. Not all the gratings were safe, not all the time. But this one, in this light, was impossible to see into. He scooted sideways, put Titian’s jar into his lap, pulled his feet up onto the ledge and hugged his knees. How am I going to do this? What am I going to do?

Master Splinter had taught him how to forage -- they all knew the best places to go for leftovers and things like that -- so he’d be able to find food. Shelter was easy, too. Like his brothers, he knew several miles of sewer tunnels as well as he knew the lair itself and it was summer at the moment -- he wouldn’t be cold. He’d have to collect cardboard and newspapers and things and make himself a den. He was sure that could be quite cosy.

Lonely, though. Don tried to ignore that thought. He had Titian and his favourite books were in his satchel. A big fat “Book of Answers” that somebody had thrown out, and an encyclopaedia AND the little dictionary. Okay some of the pages were missing, but there were loads of words and facts and all sorts of things in them he didn’t know. He could still learn. And MAYBE some day he’d be brave enough to go into the junkyard alone, and maybe he’d find something cool he could fix. Or maybe he’d find something in a regular dumpster. Being alone didn’t mean he couldn’t DO stuff. And he liked being alone. No brothers to mess my stuff up, or get in my way, or tease me. And no training or sparring, ever again.

It wasn’t his fault that he was all on his own. The others had made it quite clear what they thought about him. Coward. The one who hated to fight. The one who was useless at sparring. The worst ninja. He didn’t belong in the Clan. He buried his face in his knees at the memory of the humiliations that had gone before him leaving. Better to have left than to go through another day like that again

They’d been sparring in their afternoon practice; him against Leo, him against Mike and finally him against Raph. He’d lost all three, but the last had been the worst.

***

That had HURT. Donatello picked himself up gingerly, unable to hide the fact that he was shaking all over. He held his right hand in his left, cradling it against his plastron and biting his bottom lip in a failing attempt to keep the tears back. His brothers and Master hurried round him.

“Let me see, Donatello.” Master Splinter’s presence was calming as he pried the hurt hand away and began gently  bending and twisting it to check for damage. Don felt his brothers’ gazes as though they were a physical thing; Leo concerned, Mike sympathetic, Raph… kind of triumphant. He kept his own gaze on the floor and tried to steady his breathing. He was NOT going to cry in front of all of them.

“It is only bruised, my son. It will feel a lot better when you have soaked it in cold water.” Master Splinter’s voice was tender and comforting, but Don failed to find any comfort… it was even more shameful to be reacting like this over “only” a bruise. And it still hurt. A lot. It throbbed and every movement made it hurt still more. Raph had certainly caught him squarely with his bokken… and managed to follow up by throwing him flat on his back.

He nodded at Master Splinter in response to the rat’s releasing his hand and giving him a questioning look, but didn’t trust himself to speak yet. The others were all still watching and they’d never let him forget it if he cried. He KNEW he was being a baby about this, but his hand hurt and they’d all beaten him and Raph was smirking and all in all it had been a very, very bad practice.

Pulling himself together -- despite the shaking and the throbbing in his hand and the hot feeling behind his eyes -- he managed to stand straight and bow to Raphael. His brother was apparently having a hard time trying to hide his satisfaction. Don felt his face burn.

“You fought well, Raphael,” Don heard the Master say, just a touch of warning in his voice, “but I would like you to acknowledge your partner.” He watched Raph bow back to him… if you could call the grudging bobbing of his head a bow. Then all four of them together stood, turned and bowed to the Master and to the Hamato family shrine.

Ritual over, with his hand still throbbing and still biting his lower lip, Don left with Splinter to get his injury sorted out, hearing -- almost FEELING -- his brothers’ whispers building behind him.

***

It HAD been one of the worst lessons, worst practices of ALL TIME, Don reflected as he sat quietly soaking his hand in a bowl of cold water some minutes later. He tried to distract himself by concentrating on how red his knuckles were and the tiny seep of blood into the water from where the skin had split… Raph had certain caught him a good one. He sniffled and bit into the fleshy part of his other thumb. He was NOT going to cry.

Splinter had been very nice about it really… all things considered. He had patted him on the shoulder and reminded him that they all had bad days. But that was no consolation. He knew that he was best at spelling and best at reading and best at math… and best at stealth and only Leo could beat him at tracking. But none of that solved the big problem. The REAL problem.

It was more than just ONE bad day. It was the worst in a long line of bad days and bad lessons and bad sparring practices. The only reason Leo hadn’t beaten him in two seconds was the fact that he kept giving him chances… which was worse than Raph giving him a thorough beating. He… he was just NO good at this stuff. He wasn’t just the worst of the four of them, he was probably the worst EVER.  

Stealth just meant moving slowly and quietly… and he’d known for a long time that he was the quietest of his brothers… and tracking was EASY when Raph and Mikey were so poor at stealth. So being good at that didn’t really mean anything. Nor, really, did being good at book-y stuff. Ninjutsu wasn’t ABOUT spelling or reading or math.

Ninjutsu was about FIGHTING. And he hated fighting. He hated sparring. He hated weapons. He didn’t even like it when his brothers QUARRELLED. And so he wasn’t any good at any of that stuff and as his brothers gained in skill, it was becoming more and more clear how much he was lacking skill. And the worst thing of all was that he KNEW it was only going to get worse.

Master Splinter said over and over that no-one could be good at everything and that he’d learn in his own time -- just as his brothers would learn the spellings and math and things HE found so easy, in time. He said it never mattered who won or lost when they sparred and that he was not keeping scores… but it DID matter. And Leo and Raph kept scores.

He was losing himself in a river of I’m worst’s and bringing himself closer and closer to tears when he noticed that all three of his brothers had crowded over to the infirmary area to see how he was doing. It took one or two big sniffs before he brought himself back under control.

Mikey scooted up on the bench next to him and place a hand on his shoulder. Don was just about able to muster a smile before putting his own good hand on top of Mikey’s and resting his hot cheek on their joined hands. Mikey was like that. Always the first to show sympathy when any of them were hurt or sick, or in trouble. It DID comfort him a little bit.

“So, Donnie, d’you think you’ll EVER learn to wield a bokken?” Raph’s question instantly made comfort fizzle up and disappear.

D’you think you’ll EVER learn to read? It was a ready answer, but there was no WAY he could use it. For one, Raph was touchy about his difficulties in that department and Raph tended to lose his temper and start fights over the things he was touchy about… and for two he didn’t actually WANT to hurt his brother’s feelings. Besides… Raph COULD sort of read, in a kind of hesitating, getting lots of words wrong way… which was better than HE was managing with bokken practice. Instead, he said nothing.

“You were bested three out of three!” He KNEW that Mikey didn’t mean anything spiteful by that, he was just surprised at how quickly and easily and TOTALLY he’d been defeated, but it still hurt.

“Did you even TRY to fight?” Leo looked so puzzled. He was so good at all the ninja stuff himself, he always got confused when one of them didn’t get it.

“Guys. Please. Don’t.” He hated himself for the way his voice cracked. Please don’t let Raph pick up on that. When in doubt, resort to logic. “We can’t all be good at the same things.”

“I’m strongest. Mikey’s fastest…”

“And Leo’s best-est!” He knew that Mikey knew that wasn’t a word… but words not being real words never stopped Mikey if he felt they were the RIGHT word.

Raph’s glare suggested that not only did he not like Mikey’s interruption, he didn’t agree with it either, but he continued, “What are you, Donnie?”

“Cleverest.” Don managed to keep his voice steady -- if very quiet -- for that reply. It wasn’t boasting -- it was just fact. He'd been the first to know all the multiplication tables and had whizzed through long division -- Splinter made up math questions just for him now; and he could read his “Book of Answers“ and the dictionary and was always learning new stuff. Learning was fun as far as he was concerned. Raph still got stuck on “Seven times…” and his spelling and handwriting were as bad as his reading.

“He’s best at stealth stuff, too,” added Leo, and Don grinned at his brother in thanks for the support.

“Yeah!” Mikey picked up on the idea with enthusiasm, “He’s the invisible-est!”

Don groaned at another invented word and saw Leo and Raph exchange a glance that said that they both found “Mikey-isms” irritating.

“Don?” Leo began, “you ARE really good at moving quietly and hiding… and you ARE really good at reading and things… but you CAN’T fight. And I’ve offered to help you and you don’t want it… and I think it’s serious. What HAPPENED today?”

Don shook off Mikey’s hand and shrugged, careful to hold the bowl so that the water didn’t spill. He stared at the water as he whispered, “I don’t WANT to fight. Any of you. Not even in sparring.”

“But WHY?” Raph sounded shocked. “Sparring’s the best bit. It’s FUN!”

“It’s not fun when people get hurt.” Don glanced quickly up at Raph before looking away again. Mikey gasped and clapped his hand over his mouth. He took his hands away from his face slowly, then snuggled even closer to Don and began rubbing his shoulder.

“Don?” Mikey’s voice was quiet for once, tender and secretive. “Is this about that first time? With the hanbo?”

Don heard the others reacting, but he didn’t listen to either of them. He winced at the memory from years before that still had the power to upset him, that was STILL the first thing that came to mind in connection with sparring.

The first time, the very first time, Master Splinter had ever allowed him to use a weapon in sparring, he’d  been terrified because he’d been paired with Raph. Raph was aggressive, Raph was violent. Raph was liable to forget his training halfway through and start brawling… and even though Master Splinter stopped things if they got out of hand, Raph had the power to frighten him, even then. They’d only been little kids.

He’d been doing one of his favourite katas -- just as practice, a warm-up, a way of reminding himself that he DID know a lot of good moves. Raph had been jibing him, telling him how quickly the bout would be over, all that sort of stuff… and Raph had gotten too close and when he’d wielded the hanbo with a flourish, he’d clouted Raph on the back of the head.

THAT wouldn’t have been too bad on its own -- the ends of the hanbo were padded -- but he’d knocked Raph off balance and Raph had head-butted the wall. Hard. Raph had ended up with a lump on his head the size of a pigeon’s egg and a concussion… he’d lost CONSCIOUSNESS… He could have given his own brother brain damage… and sometimes in their book-work lessons, he worried that he HAD.

Master Splinter had said they should use it as a lesson of how dangerous even practice weapons could be and why they had to obey the rules when training and sparring. He’d taken THAT to heart.

He glanced up to see all his brothers staring at him and smiled apologetically.

“Don?” Raph was the first to speak and his tone and the expression on his face made it clear that he didn’t get it. “We’ve all got hurt in practice sessions before. It happens. Is that what you’re scared of?”

“Who says he’s scared of ANYTHING?!” Mikey was quick to jump to his defence.

“He’s scared. Did you see his face when he was sparring with me? He didn’t even defend himself. An’ Leo left him loads of openings an’ he never used any of ‘em!”

“That’s enough, Raph. You wouldn’t be doing this if Master Splinter was here.”

Don sat silently. It HURT to have it all said aloud, but he had no defence. It was all true.

“Why’s that, Leonardo?” Funny how Raph only ever uses any of our full names when he's angry.  “I’m only sayin’ the truth. You an’ me an’ Mikey have all mastered loads of katas and stuff. An’ we’re gettin’ real good with the training weapons and sparrin’ and stuff. Splinter was even talkin’ about gettin’ us started on the REAL weapons…”

“Bokken ARE real weapons, baka.” Leo interrupted Raph’s rant.

“No! I mean STEEL, not wood. An’ Donatello’s ruinin’ it fer all of us, ‘cause he’s so slow, he’s so useless at all of it…”

“And you didn’t ruin the lesson on meditation by falling asleep and snoring?”

Mikey had to turn his snort of laughter into a cough at Raph’s glare. Don hid his own grin by ducking his head.

“An’ it’s gonna be really important in battle that we all sit there and concentrate on bein’ quiet an’ breathing slowly an’ thinkin’ about concentratin’ on nothin’ or somethin’. But what good is Don gonna be in battle if he can’t even SPAR? What IS he in the Clan, Leo?” Raph rounded on Don, “What ARE you, Donnie?”

“Cleverest.” He said it a bit louder this time. Then slowly and carefully he put the bowl of water down on the bench beside him and stood up to face Raphael, noting with satisfaction that if he stood really straight he could actually look DOWN on his brother. “And tallest.” His voice grew stronger. “And stealthiest.”

“Lot of good any of that is gonna do you in a fight.” Raph balled both fists and rounded his shoulders, emphasising his bulk and making his muscles stand out. Considering that none of them had their full growth yet, Don had to admit it was a pretty impressive display… and more than a little bit intimidating.

“What would you do if we was attacked, Donnie? Stealth your way into hiding and leave the rest of us to do your fighting for you?”

Don met Raph’s eyes. “We wouldn’t have to fight yet, anyway. We’re too young. Master Splinter would protect us.”

“Master Splinter ain’t here all the time, is he? What if a human got inside the lair while he was out? Or what if a whole gang of humans attacked while you were topside with Splinter or something’? Ain’t you gonna want to be able to help him fight ‘em off? You don’t even WANT to be able to fight, looks like to me. All you want is books an’ broken topside stuff so’s you can take it apart and try to fix it. What good is that? What‘s gonna happen in a real fight if you freeze like you did just there?”

“Raph. Stop it.” Leo was trying to push his way between the pair of them. It looked like Raph was heading for a fight with someone soon.

Don shook his head. It wasn’t going to be with him. “It’s okay, Leo,” he said, surprised by how calm his voice sounded. “If we were invaded in the lair while Master Splinter was out, I’d do exactly what he TRAINED us to do, Raph. Get out the back door and into the tunnels as fast as I could. And if Master Splinter and I were attacked while we were topside, he wouldn’t NEED my help. He is a MASTER, Raphael.” He carefully picked up the bowl and turned to go, anxious to get away from Raphael while he was in this mood.

“Coward.”

Don froze as the word hit him with the full force of Raph’s venom. “I’m not a coward.”

“Prove it then. Fight me. Now.”

“We’re not allowed to fight outside of practice.” Don hoped that his voice didn’t show his dread of Raph attacking him. Instead he kept his back turned and began walking again, headed across the lair to put the bowl away. Splinter had been right. His hand did feel better -- kind of numb, but better.

“’We’re not allowed to fight outside of practice.’” Raph put on a silly squeaky voice. Don KNEW he didn’t sound like that. “Come on. Show me what yer made of!”

“Raph, please stop.”

“Donnie’s right -- we’re not supposed to fight.”

“I called him a coward. He should want to fight me, to… to defend his honour.” Raph darted in front of Don and slapped his face. Water slopped out the bowl onto the floor.

Don bit his lip. That had stung but he was NOT going to let Raph provoke him. “I’m best at keeping my temper, too. And that’s very important. A cool head wins more battles than a hot one. Master Splinter says so.” He looked behind Raph and saw Master Splinter in the kitchen area. He smiled.

“Good for you, Donnie!” Leo clapped him on his carapace. It spilt more of the water, but Don didn’t care. He turned to Leo and grinned at the support.

“What are you smiling about, Coward?” Slap. “Fight me!” Slap.

“I’ll fight you!” Don flinched as Leo physically pushed Raph out of the way. “You stop taunting Donnie right now.”

Don looked away, hating to watch as his brothers squared up for a fight. Mikey caught his look and shrugged, mouthing, “They are BOTH bakas.”

They were both fools because before either one of them could land a blow, Master Splinter had physically separated them, saying, “Leonardo! Raphael! What are you doing? I have told you before about fighting. Do I waste my breath?”

Leo’s gaze hit the floor and he shuffled his feet. “No Master, but Raph said…”

“It is what I say that is the rule, Leonardo.”

Don knew how much Leo hated being in any kind of trouble. “It wasn’t Leo’s fault, Master Splinter. Raph was trying to pick a fight with me. Leo was only trying to get him off my shell.”

Leo flashed him a small smile of thanks.

The rat sighed. “Leonardo. You know the rule. Twenty push-ups.”  Leo dropped at once. “Raphael, for instigating -- starting -- this fight, you will give me thirty. Now.” Then, as Raph opened his mouth. “Thirty-five. I am waiting .”

Even Raph had to realise that answering back when Splinter was already angry was a bad move. He dropped to the floor, but not before he’d muttered “Tattle-tail” at Don and shot him an evil look. Don pretended not to notice, but Raph’s words lodged in his brain. Coward. What use WAS he?

***

Dinner was over and Master Splinter had gone out to scavenge and forage as he always did. Don used to wonder why his Master went out as often as he did and had concluded that it was as much about getting some peace and quiet as it was about getting much needed supplies.

He’d settled down with a clock he was trying to repair; all the screws and cogs carefully laid out on the floor in front of him. He was SURE that he could get it going and then they wouldn’t have to rely on the clocks on storefronts and buildings up topside anymore.

Raph and Mikey were busy doing something very messy and very noisy on their side of the lair. They were going to hate it when Master Splinter made them clear up but they never thought about that sort of thing BEFORE they had the bright idea for some game.

He looked around for Leo -- and caught sight of him sitting quietly engrossed in a book, half-hidden in a private den of boxes and bricks and crates, all the materials Master Splinter had been bringing back for weeks so that they could build some internal walls instead of the screens in the lair. It was going to be a pretty interesting project, really, he reflected, walls meant rooms, which meant privacy. Which would be good -- no chance of Raph picking up and losing one of his precious cogs.

Although, on the down side… it also meant that they’d lose space. They needed a lot of rooms, really, and they only had limited space. The kitchen, bathroom and infirmary areas were already pretty fixed; but they had the whole rest of the lair for everything else. Once they put the walls in for Splinter’s room and a dojo and rooms for the four of them, even if they only put two rooms in as Master Splinter had suggested so that Mikey and Raph share and he and Leo share -- which made sense; Mikey and Raph’s untidiness would drive Leo to distraction -- but even then, the “main room” wouldn’t be very big.

And he loved it when the lair was like this -- all of them doing their own thing, none of them interfering with each other, none of them fighting… but, still, all of them kind of together. They all liked doing their own thing in free time and if Raph thought that his liking for taking things apart was as odd as he found Raph and Mikey’s games, what did it matter?

He smiled to himself as he looked back down at his clock. The four of them were all as different as could be: he and Leo were quiet while Raph and Mikey were noisy; he and Raph were kind of practical while Mikey and Leo were more imaginative; and he and Mikey were less bothered about WINNING in sparring and training -- while Raph and Leo competed in everything, ESPECIALLY training.

And he was back to training… back to sparring… back to his BIG problem.

He’d been trying NOT to think about what Raph had said… but now he was back to pondering the continuing problem of how he was going to fit into the Clan. Raph was right, he WAS a coward. He was scared of getting hurt and he was scared of hurting one of his brothers. They didn’t feel like this. THEY enjoyed training because they all wanted to be ninjas. He was scared of training and scared of sparring and scared of fighting and scared of WEAPONS and -- and the realisation was frightening -- he didn’t WANT to be a ninja. Not now, not when he was grown-up, not EVER.

But… but if I don’t wanna be a ninja, what AM I? He dropped the cog he was holding and it bounced and rolled away -- invisible and irretrievable. He didn’t even care.

What am I and what am I doing in a ninja Clan? He… he didn’t belong. He’d never belonged. He’d never liked the same things as the others. He’d never done the same things as the others. He was ODD. Even Master Splinter found his fascination with taking things apart to be odd. Liking math was odd. Reading the dictionary was odd. Wanting to find and study the ooze to find out why and how it had changed them from ordinary animals was odd… and odd was bad.

…

He wasn’t just the worst at training. He was BAD. He was the worst. He was the worst and he didn’t belong. He didn’t want to be a ninja and Master Splinter wanted them all to be ninjas and… and… he was just WRONG… and he shouldn’t be here getting all protected and fed and taught and given presents. He didn’t deserve it.

He didn’t deserve to be here.

He didn’t deserve to be here and that meant that there was only one thing that he ought to do. Something to make it right. Something to ensure that his wrongness never affected the others, never caused trouble. He had to leave. Now.

His breath caught at the thought.

He had to leave. Carefully, slowly, he put his clock -- all its bits except that cog he’d lost neatly inside the case -- onto the floor in front of him and slowly, carefully got to his feet.

He had to leave… but… maybe, maybe he could take a couple of things with him? Things that were his? Things that the others wouldn’t miss. Things like his “Book of Answers” and the dictionary.  And Titian, his bug.

Biting his lip and looking around nervously in case any of the others tried to stop him, he crept over to the wall where their crates stood. He rooted through, under his blankets, to find a battered leather satchel -- the strap had been broken but Splinter had mended it -- and Titian’s jar.

Something in the crate slipped with a bump and he held his breath… but none of his brothers so much as looked up. Titian’s jar safely in his satchel, he stood and inched his way to the shelf where their few books stood.

“Book of Answers”, the big fat dictionary… and the encyclopaedia that he was pretty sure he was the only one to use.  Except that when he tried to get all three books into his satchel, they didn’t fit. He paused for a moment, calculating, then put the encyclopaedia and the “Book of Answers” upright side by side in the back pocket and Titians jar in one of the front pockets. It was tight, but they all fitted. He wouldn’t be able to shut the satchel now, but he’d just have to very careful how he carried it. Then he put the dictionary back on the shelf. It was a wrench, but it was just too big… and the other books were better to have; they told about more things and even had math stuff in them.

Crouching on the floor, he froze as what he was about to do really hit him. What am I doing? He was about to go out into the tunnels and never come back. Do… do I have to go? I mean I could stay and … and keep taking things I don’t deserve? Maybe he could talk to Master Splinter, TELL him that didn’t want to be a ninja… and maybe he’d let him off training. No. He hadn’t let Raph off reading just because Raph said he didn’t want to do it and never would. And anyway what good would I be to the Clan then? How could he earn a place? Be worthy? And if he told him, Master Splinter would probably never be proud of him again. He was a ninja master, and his Master Yoshi was a ninja master and he wanted them all to be ninja masters, too. He’d be so disappointed in me.

That thought, the thought that the master would not be proud of him if he knew, alongside the certain knowledge that Splinter EXPECTED him to learn how to be a ninja and a good one too and would make him keep practicing until he WAS… all that was enough to convince him that the only way was out.

His eye fell on the little dictionary as he picked up the satchel. That’ll fit. He picked it up and stowed it away with his other treasures and was starting to inch his way away from the book shelf and towards… well, he wasn’t quite sure, yet, when a fight EXPLODED on the far side of the lair. He froze, guiltily, together with the bag of things he was pretty much stealing, as Leo emerged from his den to run over and see what was going on.

He’d noticed, without really thinking about it, that Raph and Mikey’s voices had been getting louder but they were always arguing about something… And as Leo arrived and made things worse by starting shouting and bossing  BOTH Raph and Mikey around and full-scale three-way battle developed… he realised. This was his chance. He brothers were all far too occupied to ever notice that he wasn’t there. They’d never know he was gone until it was too late… and then they’d all be able to get on with things. Get on with making Master Splinter prouder than he ever could, get on with learning to be ninjas.

To think was to act. With ninja stealth and caution, born of natural quietness and long, assiduous training, he made his way over to the door, opened it, slipped through and closed it behind him, all without making a sound.

***

Sitting beneath the grating he hugged Titian’s jar and stared up at the night sky. After all the rain of the past week, it was a perfect, cloudless night and he could just about see the white crescent of the moon against the black sky.

Gazing at the sky always made him feel that there was a part of the world that was his and his brothers’ in spite of the fact that they were so different and had to hide away for their own safety. There was peace there. There was something so still, so high, so special that it even made him forget a little bit of his grief and fear at being all alone.

He lifted Titian’s jar to the light, “’You are a child of the Universe,’” he whispered. “’No less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.’”* Master Splinter had found that poem in a book and made them all read it. There were bits of it he didn’t understand, but those lines had meant so much to him he’d read them over until he knew them by heart. He liked the idea that even though he and his brothers were so different, they were still children of the universe and still had RIGHTS. It was his right to be able to look up at the sky. “’There is peace and rest in the con-tem-plation of these miracles that nature paints on the canvas of the sky.’”** That came from another poem in the same book. Lots of poems were kind of silly… but those two poems said a lot of things that he felt.

“Nice night.”

He almost fell off the ledge in shock at the sudden sound of Leo’s voice. Luckily, he’d automatically clutched at Titian’s jar and hadn’t dropped it, but it had been close. “What are you DOING here Leo?”

Leo didn’t answer for a minute, as he settled himself down on the ledge. He gazed at the sky and Don saw him smile. “It’s like that poem, isn’t it?” he said softly, as if scared of disturbing the stillness. “’The mystery of the night! And our own mystery! Who knows what we are? No science has yet grasped us. The moon -- the beautiful, mystical moon -- playing nightly to empty seats!’”**

“These seats aren’t empty.” That was kind of spooky, Leo quoting from the exact same poem he’d been thinking about. He hadn’t realised that Leo thought like that. ‘No science has yet grasped us’, he liked that.

Leo turned to him and smiled. “It’s beautiful, but we’re not supposed to be here… See... I found a cog. On the floor in the lair when I was tidying up. And when I looked for you to give it back to you, I couldn’t find you. And then I thought you might have hidden from the fight… But then I noticed that some of your stuff was gone. What are you doing, Donnie? Why are you sitting out here with your satchel and your favourite books and your pet?”

“Titian isn’t a pet. I’m studying him.”

“Okay, okay… but why are you studying him in a sewer tunnel instead of in the lair?”

“Because… because the lair isn’t my home any more.” He sniffed in spite of himself at actually saying it. “I’m… I’m leaving… I’ve left.” His voice had got quieter and quieter.

“WHAT!!!” Leo’s shout echoed. He glanced around as if scared someone would have heard and dropped his voice. “What!? For good!? I… I know we were fighting and you hate that, but why… Is… is this about what Raph said earlier?”

“No.” Donnie shook his head forcefully. “How did you find me anyway?” So much for me being the best at stealth.

“I saw these floating, so I guessed which way you went,” Leo held up a couple of soggy dictionary pages. “And I remembered what you said about liking it here underneath the grating where you could look up and see topside and the sky… I just thought you’d be trying to get away from the fight… Look, Donnie, I told you, Raph was wrong. You’re not a coward.”

“Uh-uh. I didn’t leave because Raph CALLED me a coward, Leo. I left because it’s true. I am a coward. I’m just plain scared all the time.” Donnie hugged his legs and hid his face against his knees. Leo would hate him now he knew.

He felt a very gentle touch against his shoulder. “What of?” Leo’s voice was almost a whisper.

He didn’t look up. Now he’d told Leo some of it, he might as well tell him all of it. After all he was TRYING to make it right. “Of… of sparring and fighting and training and weapons… and of getting hurt, or hurting one of you guys… and of being in danger all the time from humans who’d want to kill us or cut us up or puts us in a cages if they found us… and of having to fight them if they DID find us… Oh, Leo, I’m scared of everything.”

“So’s Mikey.”

“No… it’s not the same. You know it isn’t.”

“Gee… Donnie, I mean it IS a long list… but…” Leo was silent for a minute. Perhaps he’ll understand, now. Perhaps he’ll get why I have to go away. And maybe he’ll help me… except… now I’ve gone, I guess I’m not his brother anymore. A large tear rolled down Don’s face, followed by another, and another. He lifted his face from his knees, sniffing and tears dripped off his beak. He wiped them away, biting his lip and screwing up his eyes in an effort to stop crying. Baby. Leo will despise you now.

“Donnie!” Leo looked upset himself when Don dared peek at his brother for his reaction. “You know what Master Splinter says, don’t you, Donnie? ‘Only a fool fears nothing.’ Cowardice isn’t about being afraid. It’s about being too scared to do something, too scared to FACE your fears.” His voice was getting louder and louder in his agitation.

“So cowardice is about running away. You see. I AM a coward.” Now that he’d started, he couldn’t stop the tears, or the sobs that shook him. He hid his face, utterly ashamed not just that he was crying, but that Leo was watching him.

“What’s goin’ on? What you doin‘ out in the sewer?”

Oh NO! Not Raph.

“Guys! We’re so not supposed to be out here. If Master Splinter comes back we’ll be in huge trouble!”

And Mikey, too. Perfect.

“Where did you two come from?”

“We heard you shouting, Leonardo. So we came to investigate, in case there was trouble. You got a problem with that?”

“Go back to the lair, both of you. I’m dealing with this.”

“With wha’… hey. Is Donnie CRYING?”

“Don’t you DARE start making fun of him, Raphael. This is all your fault.”

“What is?”

“THIS. Donnie’s trying to leave home!”

“Because of what Raph said?” Mikey’s voice was shrill with incredulity.

Don took a huge gulp of air and managed to speak. “No.” Sniff. “This has nothing to do with that.” Sniff. “I’m going because I don’t WANT to be a ninja.” It came out in a wail.

Through his tears he saw three brothers whose faces looked like the dictionary definition of shock. Wide eyes, open mouths. Leo was opening and closing his mouth as if the words wouldn’t come, Raph was shaking his head and Mikey looked like he was about to start crying himself.

"You... don't want...?" Leo was still having trouble finding words, it seemed.

"Donnie, you've gotta wanna be a ninja -- 's what we ARE."

"How can you not WANT...? WHY?"

He sniffed. "I KNOW it's what we are supposed to be, Mikey and I've been trying and trying to be like you guys and want it and think it's a good think to be and like training. But I DON'T. So you see, I have to go away... because I don't fit in."

"But WHY not, Donnie? You've gotta have a reason. You always got a reason!"

He rubbed his eyes and took a deep breath... and hiccoughed.  He always did that when he'd been sobbing. "I do have a reason..." Hic. "But I don't think you'd understand." Hic.

"Try us." Leo's voice was very gentle and his hand still rested on Don's shoulder. "We're listening, Don. We're all here. Maybe we can help."

"Yeah. You're pro'lly thinkin' all wrong, Donnie. We can put you right."

Hic. "Okay." Hic. "I'll tell you." Hic "But you tell me something first." What IS a ninja... no, what," Hic. "What do you think a ninja is?" Hic.

"A ninja's a warrior. Someone who never has to be scared, not ever. Someone noble and brave and fearless. A Master of himself and his environment."

"You just described Master Splinter, Leo," said Mikey, grinning. "There should be a picture of Master Splinter next to the word ninja in the dictionary."

"A ninja's a fighter. Someone who can fight an' win 'gainst anyone who calls him names or tries to hurt him. Someone whose weapons are anythin' he chooses to use as a weapon . Who WOULDN'T wanna be a ninja?"

"'Kay. An' now I'll tell you what a ninja is. A ninja is a killer. An assassin. Someone whose weapons are the tools he uses to make death. Someone who does whatever his Clan leader says... or whatever he's been paid to do. Someone who delivers death."

"Nuh-huh!"

"No. No. Ninja's used to protect people. Master Splinter told me."

"So what, anyway, Don? Why SHOULDN'T you deliver death to your Enemies?"

"Do... do you WANT to kill, Raph?"

Raph paused and then spoke more quietly than he usually did. "Yeah. I wanna kill anyone who thinks he's gonna try to put me in a cage or a lab or cut me up and kill me. I wanna kill anyone who's gonna make me hide and be afraid..." He looked away, up topside and then down the tunnel. "I wanna make the humans suffer fer what they do to us. I wanna kill anyone who thinks he's better 'n us. Anyone who thinks we BELONG in a sewer."

"There's about eight million people just in New York, Raph. You can't kill EVERYONE."  Leo's face was worried.

"I don't believe you, anyway." Don gulped and hiccoughed. That wasn't a good thing to say to Raph, but he'd already risked everything. "You've seen rats who've been poisoned. You've seen rats dying in a trap with their backs broken. Does dying look EASY to you? Do you really think you could do that to ANYONE?"

"If someone was a threat to me... or to you guys... or Splinter, course I could. I'd do it and never feel a thing. They'd kill us if they had the chance, Don."

"Then congratulations." hic. "You'd probably make a great ninja. But I don't want to KILL. Not nothing, not no-one, not EVER!" Hic.

"But... but just cause of that, it don't mean that you don't belong at home, don't belong with us! You're our brother. We're a family."

"We're a ninja Clan, Mikey. Where's the room in a ninja Clan for someone who doesn't want to be a ninja?"

"So what DO you wanna be?"

"I'd like to be a scientist... an inventor. MAKING stuff. Improving things... Not killing and destroying."

Leo looked at Mikey and Raph, before looking back at him. "There are scars on your arms, Don. Did you get those sparring?"

"What?! You know I didn't, you know where I got them." He was utterly confused by Leo's changing the subject, especially when he saw Raph grin as if he'd suddenly got something.

"Where DID you get them?"

"From the burns I got off the sparks when I got electrocuted." He rubbed his forearm. He didn't like being reminded of that.

"Why did you get electrocuted?"

"Leo?! Okay." Hic. Hic. "I got electrocuted when I was mucking about with the wiring in the lair even though Master Splinter had told me a dozen times not to touch it. Satisfied?" Hic.

"Yeah. Cause we've got electric lights now because of you. And they are way better than candles." Raph grinned.

"YEAH!" Mikey's upset look had disappeared and he was bouncing slightly, making the water around his calves ripple. "You mended the electric wiring. And you helped Master Splinter mend that camping stove he found in the junkyard. And it was your idea to have that... that tank thing, so that it can be heated and we can have hot water."

"And when we break stuff you can usually fix it. And you're putting a clock together. Just THINK of everything you've done... everything you DO for the Clan. Even Splinter thinks you're brilliant and he's so proud of how fast you learn math and stuff, too!"

"I'm not a Clan leader or even a chunin," Leo smiled at each of them before looking back at Don with that intense, utterly serious face he wore when they were training. "But I think there's room in a ninja Clan for someone who can do all that. You already ARE an inventor, Donnie." Leo absolutely beamed at him.

"Fine, Leo. I'm an inventor." Hic. "I still don't belong -- I still don't want to fight or kill." Hic. They were being so nice, so supportive... but he couldn't just gloss over the fact that he's realised that he didn't want to be a ninja.

"Not even in self defence? I mean... if someone came into the lair, or saw us or somethin', we'd HAVE to kill him in case he ever told other people and came BACK for us."

"I know, Raph. But I don't want to KILL." Hic.

"So don't."

"How's he gonna manage that, Mikey?"

"We'll be fighting as a team, won't we? He could drive the bad guys towards one of us and we could finish them off."

Raph grinned. "Yeah! Yeah. It's like I was sayin' about real weapons -- I mean, okay. Swords are made fer killin'. I get that. But a bo's just a big stick -- we can have steel, he can have wood. Wood can't be as lethal as steel."

"Nunchucku spin fast enough to smash bones like they were sticks." Don shook his head. He was not persuaded.

"Okay, okay... but a hanbo or a bo or somethin' doesn't have that, whatever you call it," Raph twisted his wrist in an indication of spinning a 'chuck.

"Momentum."

"Right. You could disarm the Enemy or knock him out or somethin' and one of us can kill him."

"I'd still be..."

"Don!" Mikey sloshed through the channel and grabbed Don's knees. "Don't you GET it?"

"I though you were s'posed to be smart." Raph chuckled.

Hic. "What are you talking about?" Hic. Don turned his head from one brother to another. This... this was confusing. He had never thought he'd be sitting in the sewers TALKING about all this.

Leo reached out and beckoned Raph to come nearer, which, for a wonder, he did, putting one hand on Leo's shoulder and the other on Mikey's. They were all close round him as he hiccoughed and sniffed. All four of them surrounding him as he huddled in on himself.

"We are a family, Don. A Clan. And it doesn't matter whether you are best or the worst." Leo looked up at the others. "I'm right, aren't I guys? We just want Donnie?"

Raph nodded. "Look... if I upset you, Don... I'm, I'm sorry. I... I never meant fer you to feel that you don't belong, or that you have ter LEAVE."

Raph had apologised. Raph never SAID sorry unless absolutely made to by Master Splinter -- as far as he was concerned what he said or did in a temper wasn't something he was responsible for and wasn't something any of them should take to heart. Donnie felt like crying again. But they still didn't get it. He shook his head.

"Don't... don't get me wrong. I'm grateful that you want me around... and you're all being really great and kind... but this doesn't change the fundamental. I don't want to be a ninja. I'm no good at being a ninja and I'm a coward."

"You're a coward?" Raph chuckled again. "Don? You dared leave the lair, on your own and go out into the tunnels to live all on your own -- because your honour wouldn't let you stay. That's the bravest thing I ever heard. But you've gotta come back. We need you."

"Yeah" Hic. "Right. You need the useless one. You need the one who doesn't want to fight and CAN'T."

"That's what I don't get," said Leo. "You do okay at the katas. You learn them slowly, but you learn them and you do them well."

"There's no-one else involved in a kata. I just hate that moment when my fist or my foot or my weapon hits an opponent."

"Yeah... but maybe that's because we're not your Enemies. Look, I know I don't get where you're coming from on this, Donnie... but the way I see it, surely it's better to LEARN, so that you know how to fight if you ever need to. You can choose whether or not to fight if you want... but if you don't know how to fight you've got no choice if someone attacks you. If you don't know how to fight... I don't see how you're gonna stay safe. Especially on your own."

He hadn't ever known or thought that Raph could construct such a logical argument. He hated to admit it, but it DID make sense.

"Don't talk about him being on his own. Please." Mikey shuddered and pulled closer to Raph. Don saw Raph squeeze his shoulder. "It's just like a nightmare! I... I have this dream, Don... and I hate it. I'm in the sewers and I'm all on my own... and I'm looking for you guys and I can't find any of you... and I hate it... I can't stand to think of you all on your own in the sewers."

"Hey. Mikey. Shush." Funny. Don had never thought Raph could be so gentle. "He's not gonna stay all on his own in the sewers, are you, Donnie?"

"Donnie, you have to come home. I need you." Leo grinned at him and nudged his shoulder. "You can't leave me alone with these two!"

"But..."

"Stop it." Leo shook his head at him. "It doesn't matter which one of us is good at what. We're all good at something... and in a team... that's good. We... we com... com-ple-ment each other. With Raph's strength and Mikey's speed and me... you don't need to be a brilliant fighter, 'cause the three of us will always be there to cover you. And you'll make things and build things and invent things... and you will get better at ninjutsu in time. I'm sure of it."

"Besides. We need you to help us build those walls."

Don managed a weak laugh at that. "But... but what can I really do to earn my place?"

"I know." All three of them looked at Mikey, who in another change of mood had gone starry eyed and dreamy. "You can make a television."

"What?"

"We've all seen them in the stores when we've gone topside, haven't we? Those boxes with the moving pictures. They look SO good. And... and I've seen broken ones in the junkyard... and there's a picture of one's insides in Donnie's book... and I'm sure if we ALL asked Master Splinter would bring us a broken one back. And Donnie could fix it."

Leo rubbed his face in his hands. Raph laughed and gave Mikey a playful punch.

Don thought. "It should be theoretically possible..."

"Huh?"

"What's that mean?"

Leo grinned. "It means he thinks he can do it. Come on Donnie, there's got to be loads of stuff like that you can do for us if you think you need to pay for a place in the Clan. But you don't. You've got one whether you like it or not. You're our brother... and that doesn't stop 'cause you're not good at sparring or ... or..."

"For anything," Mikey finished.

Don looked at them. His brothers. They were all so good at ninjutsu, and he was so bad. But they wanted him... they said he belonged. "I... I thought I was odd. I thought I didn't belong."

"You are odd. But what's normal when you're a turtle who can talk and do ninjutsu?" He stared at Raph for a moment, then curled up laughing and felt Mikey and Leo's arms go around him as they joined in. A Clan.

"Okay." He smiled and tucked Titian's jar back into the satchel. "If you guys are SURE I'll never have to kill someone unless I want to? I'll come back."

"We promise, Don." Leo was absolutely serious again.

"Heck, we even promise never to tell Master Splinter what you did tonight... That is if he'd not already in when we get back!"

***

He hadn't been in. They'd washed the run-off water off their legs, put the lair to rights and gone to bed and Master Splinter still hadn't come in. There was nothing unusual in that, though.

Lying, wrapped in his blankets, his brothers close by, Don was too preoccupied to sleep. The others were asleep already, he could tell -- Raph was snoring and Mikey was talking in his sleep. His brothers. He still could not believe how... how supportive they'd been, how desperate to make him feel he belonged. That, more than anything they had said was what had convinced him that there was a place for him if he came back. They were all different... and he still knew in his heart that he was most different of all... but that was not the bad thing he'd thought it might be. He still had qualms... but he knew now that they appreciated him for what he COULD do. Which was a little bit amazing.

Tomorrow there would be another practice. He'd do things wrong again and he still feared the weapons and what they could do. But that didn't matter. There would also be after practice and making and fixing things and math lessons. And brothers.

His brothers who'd broken the rules to go after him and had refused to let him go.

His family.

His Clan.





[AN * This quotation is from "Desiderata" by Max Ehrmann
** These quotations are taken from "The Moon" by Max Ehrmann






[AN: * This quotation is from "Desiderata" by Max Ehrmann
** These quotations are take from "The Moon", by Max Erhmann.]